I flew down to Pensacola, FL to visit my grandmother and some extended family on Saturday, June 21st. On the first leg of my trip, from Washington Reagan to Atlanta, I had to ask a flight attendant for something I've never had to ask for before.
A seat belt extender.
I almost cried. Surreptitiously, under my breath, whispering so low as to hardly be heard, I asked the lovely flight attendant, "Would it be possible for me to get a seat belt extender?" She nodded at me and hurried on down the aisle to the back of the plane. When she came back by, she seemed to sense my distress and very calmly handed me the extender, without making any sort of comment, and also trying to do it as discretely as possible.
I think that's the part that almost made me cry. The fact that my shame was so evident that this beautiful woman would try and assuage my concerns by being as hum-drum about it as possible.
I made sure to apologize to the woman sitting next to me for possibly taking up some of her space. She was a very kind woman from Baton Rouge who probably wears a size 2. She laughed softly and drawled, "You didn't encroach upon my space, dear. Think nothing of it." Bless her for being so gracious.
Oddly enough, on the flight from Atlanta to Pensacola, my seat belt was plenty long enough to not need a seat belt extender. Crisis averted.
Fall can't come soon enough. I'm ready for this.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
*crawls back onto the face of the earth*
Umm... Been over a year since I wrote in this thing. Wow.
Well, I still struggle with my weight. I think I might be addicted to eating out. I like food. I like not having to do dishes. I've been going to the gym somewhat regularly, mostly because I'm paying for a personal trainer and I don't want to waste my money. One of my colleagues put it very succinctly when she and I were complaining about not having any money and being overweight. She said, "You know the problem is because we essentially eat our money and shit it out, right?"
She's completely right. And I keep saying to myself, "this is the last time I'm eating out!" or "this is the last time I'm spending money on food I'm not buying to actually prepare and eat at home!" And yet I keep failing myself.
So it's time to get drastic.
And by drastic, I mean surgery.
Some time this fall, after Labor Day, I will undergo a sleeve gastrectomy. It is a form of bariatric surgery that will greatly reduce the size of my stomach, and remove the part of the stomach that researchers believe is responsible for secreting the "hunger hormone", whose scientific name I can't remember right now.
I'm not posting this to get an argument started about whether or not this is a good decision. I know it's the right decision for me, because TRUST ME, I've agonized over it, I've talked it over with the people who matter, I've prayed about it, I've researched it, I've done everything in my power to make sure that this DRASTIC LIFE CHANGE is what I want and need.
So I'm just looking for support. That's all anyone really wants, anyways, right?
I solemnly swear I will write in my blog at least once a week from here on out. It feels good to write something that doesn't have to be cited in APA format.
REALLY good.
Well, I still struggle with my weight. I think I might be addicted to eating out. I like food. I like not having to do dishes. I've been going to the gym somewhat regularly, mostly because I'm paying for a personal trainer and I don't want to waste my money. One of my colleagues put it very succinctly when she and I were complaining about not having any money and being overweight. She said, "You know the problem is because we essentially eat our money and shit it out, right?"
She's completely right. And I keep saying to myself, "this is the last time I'm eating out!" or "this is the last time I'm spending money on food I'm not buying to actually prepare and eat at home!" And yet I keep failing myself.
So it's time to get drastic.
And by drastic, I mean surgery.
Some time this fall, after Labor Day, I will undergo a sleeve gastrectomy. It is a form of bariatric surgery that will greatly reduce the size of my stomach, and remove the part of the stomach that researchers believe is responsible for secreting the "hunger hormone", whose scientific name I can't remember right now.
I'm not posting this to get an argument started about whether or not this is a good decision. I know it's the right decision for me, because TRUST ME, I've agonized over it, I've talked it over with the people who matter, I've prayed about it, I've researched it, I've done everything in my power to make sure that this DRASTIC LIFE CHANGE is what I want and need.
So I'm just looking for support. That's all anyone really wants, anyways, right?
I solemnly swear I will write in my blog at least once a week from here on out. It feels good to write something that doesn't have to be cited in APA format.
REALLY good.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Update on the PCOS situation...
So, back in October, I saw an endocrinologist to get started on diagnosing and treating the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome that the endocrinologist family friend is pretty darn sure I have. He requested that I get very specific labs done at a very specific time, so we can rule out things like Cushing's disease and some acronym for low adrenal function that I can't remember right now, since it's FOUR MONTHS later and I finally was able to get the labs done. Why did I put it off so long, you ask? I didn't, my fricking reproductive system and work schedule did.
The labs that had to be done required a specific time frame, namely they had to be done 10 days after my period started. One of the tests was an all day urine collection, to test the amount of cortisol I'm excreting. I finally happened to have off from work the 10th day after my period, so I could do the damn test. Why didn't I do it earlier? Well, work has been hectic, let's just put it that way. I picked up more hours the last quarter of the year, so it was good in the respect, but bad in the taking care of myself realm. I'm trying to be better about that.
So, I shall be seeing the endocrinologist on the 26th to discuss my diagnosis and to go over treatment options. I'm nervous, but glad that we'll finally get to the bottom of at least some of my persistent symptoms!!!
With regards to weight loss.... meh. I'm not back to my heaviest, but I definitely haven't lost any of the weight I was hoping to. I attribute this to my relapse into depression. It's very hard to exercise when it's all you can do to just drag yourself out of bed to go to work, where they PAY you. I'm medicated again, so hopefully things will get settled and I can feel like actually accomplishing things soon.
I'm going to try and write in here at least once a week during Lent. I'm giving up being lazy about blog posts, being lazy about contacting friends, and giving up rice in my Chipotle meals. Oh, and nail biting. I succeeded with the not biting them once, so I'm sure I can do it again!!!!!
The labs that had to be done required a specific time frame, namely they had to be done 10 days after my period started. One of the tests was an all day urine collection, to test the amount of cortisol I'm excreting. I finally happened to have off from work the 10th day after my period, so I could do the damn test. Why didn't I do it earlier? Well, work has been hectic, let's just put it that way. I picked up more hours the last quarter of the year, so it was good in the respect, but bad in the taking care of myself realm. I'm trying to be better about that.
So, I shall be seeing the endocrinologist on the 26th to discuss my diagnosis and to go over treatment options. I'm nervous, but glad that we'll finally get to the bottom of at least some of my persistent symptoms!!!
With regards to weight loss.... meh. I'm not back to my heaviest, but I definitely haven't lost any of the weight I was hoping to. I attribute this to my relapse into depression. It's very hard to exercise when it's all you can do to just drag yourself out of bed to go to work, where they PAY you. I'm medicated again, so hopefully things will get settled and I can feel like actually accomplishing things soon.
I'm going to try and write in here at least once a week during Lent. I'm giving up being lazy about blog posts, being lazy about contacting friends, and giving up rice in my Chipotle meals. Oh, and nail biting. I succeeded with the not biting them once, so I'm sure I can do it again!!!!!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Mixed bag...
So yeah... those Birthday resolutions? I've kinda sucked at some of them. I've kinda kicked ass at others. So, a mixed bag.
Physical:
I'm back to 255. I haven't been going to the gym, and I'm eating way more than I should. I have only myself to blame for this. I keep making excuses about not going to the gym, even though I have MOVED TO WARRENTON.... Which is where my gym is located. My excuses are completely retarded. Like, "I'm tired. I don't want to wake up early to go to the gym and work out, which I know will make me feel more energized......." Yeah. Stupid. Also, the eating... Matt, my boyfriend (guy who asked me out at work back in June), can eat 2400 calories in a day. He does. For some stupid reason, I feel like I have to keep up with him when it comes to eating food. Umm... No. Shannon, you're dumb.
So, starting tomorrow morning, I am going to stick to my resolution of "if I'm working IN Warrenton, I will go to the gym." NO MORE EXCUSES. JUST DO IT.
Emotionally, been doing very well. Communicating more and not bottling things up. I'm coming up on the difficult time of year for me, what with the 15 year anniversary of my brother's death in November... But as I've said before, I've got a huge, loving support network that's looking out for me, so I'll be okay.
Career wise:
I have applied for a full-time position within the bank. I'm just waiting to hear back from folks about the interview process. I have to keep catching myself with not thinking too far ahead and being like, "I don't need to worry about this, I've got it in the bag..." I don't. I don't even know where the bag is, actually. So, if you're the praying type, I'd appreciate some prayers. If you're not the praying type, just send me some good juju or something of that nature. Lord knows I could use it!!
By the time I'm 30, which is in 2015, I want to be 180 lbs or less, making at least 40k a year, possibly owning a house, and working on making a family.
There. I sorta know what I want to have happen in the next three years or so. Now I just need to accomplish it.
I can do this. I am an awesome person who deserves awesome things. BOO YAH!!!!!
Love you guys. Please leave comments either here or on FB!
Physical:
I'm back to 255. I haven't been going to the gym, and I'm eating way more than I should. I have only myself to blame for this. I keep making excuses about not going to the gym, even though I have MOVED TO WARRENTON.... Which is where my gym is located. My excuses are completely retarded. Like, "I'm tired. I don't want to wake up early to go to the gym and work out, which I know will make me feel more energized......." Yeah. Stupid. Also, the eating... Matt, my boyfriend (guy who asked me out at work back in June), can eat 2400 calories in a day. He does. For some stupid reason, I feel like I have to keep up with him when it comes to eating food. Umm... No. Shannon, you're dumb.
So, starting tomorrow morning, I am going to stick to my resolution of "if I'm working IN Warrenton, I will go to the gym." NO MORE EXCUSES. JUST DO IT.
Emotionally, been doing very well. Communicating more and not bottling things up. I'm coming up on the difficult time of year for me, what with the 15 year anniversary of my brother's death in November... But as I've said before, I've got a huge, loving support network that's looking out for me, so I'll be okay.
Career wise:
I have applied for a full-time position within the bank. I'm just waiting to hear back from folks about the interview process. I have to keep catching myself with not thinking too far ahead and being like, "I don't need to worry about this, I've got it in the bag..." I don't. I don't even know where the bag is, actually. So, if you're the praying type, I'd appreciate some prayers. If you're not the praying type, just send me some good juju or something of that nature. Lord knows I could use it!!
By the time I'm 30, which is in 2015, I want to be 180 lbs or less, making at least 40k a year, possibly owning a house, and working on making a family.
There. I sorta know what I want to have happen in the next three years or so. Now I just need to accomplish it.
I can do this. I am an awesome person who deserves awesome things. BOO YAH!!!!!
Love you guys. Please leave comments either here or on FB!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Happy (Belated) Birthday to Me!!
This post is going to be pretty big. Lots of ground to cover. I just turned 27 on Tuesday. So, to start, let's wish me a happy birthday!! Yay! The day was excellent. Started with a massage, then Mom and Grammy and I went and had Indian food, which was super yummy. Then we went shopping (but I actually didn't spend any money...) and got things so I could cook dinner. I made a delicious dinner using all our brand new kitchen appliances, and only screwed up a tiny bit (left the casserole under the broiler for too long and sort of burnt the breadcrumbs, but it didn't ruin the dish, so yay!!). I got to spend the day with people who love me, and whom I love in return, so it was excellent.
I decided back in June that I wanted to make some Resolutions. Birthday Resolutions, if you will. Folks like to make New Year's Resolutions, and I sort of did, but I thankfully have a birthday that's about halfway through the year, so if I want to make new resolutions during the course of the year, it's not like I'm doing it right after I make my NYRs, or right before I make them... It's nicely spaced out, and some of my BRs will be sort of additions/improvements to my NYRs. That being said, they fall under three basic categories: Physical, Emotional, and Career. There is some overlap between the three categories, but those seem to be the major groupings under which I've chosen to group my Birthday Resolutions.
Physical:
- I've been sort of lax about going to the gym lately, and have been very lax about eating better... I wouldn't be surprised if I'm back over 250 again. I've sort of avoided the scale since I know I've been doing so poorly... So, a few of my BRs are about my weight loss issues:
- If I'm in Warrenton for work, I am going to go to the gym. I've been a float teller in a few different places lately, trying to pick up more hours, so I'm not always in Warrenton. And I've been VISITING Warrenton a lot lately (I will explain why later in the post), but I've decided that a new resolution is that if I am WORKING in Warrenton, I am either going to go to the WARF (my gym) either before and/or after work. After all, the WARF is less than 10 minutes from where I work. No excuse to not work out, really. JUST DO IT!
- Start counting calories again, and STICK to what I should be consuming. I need to figure out my Basal Metabolic Rate, so I know just how much my body burns sheerly through being alive every day. And I need to consume that amount or less. Simple math. 1908.75 apparently, according to http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/. So let's say I need to stick to 1900 calories a day. Sounds good to me.
- Eat more fruits and veggies! I have a limited number of fruit and veg that I refuse to eat, but I do enjoy eating some things, so I should be stocking up on those, dammit! Again, JUST DO IT!!!
-EAT OUT WAY LESS. It'll help both my pocketbook and also my caloric intake.
Emotional:
- Embrace the fact that I am an emotional woman. I FEEL things. Quite frequently, and quite strongly. I shouldn't be afraid of that fact, and I shouldn't get mad at myself for getting emotional about things. I need to get better about accepting emotions that I used to sort of stigmatize as "bad" emotions. It's okay to be angry, for example. I used to try to avoid getting angry, and I think that was a major contributing factor in my depression. Now, if I get angry, I will let it out! Shannon ANGRY, SHANNON SMASH!!! :-)
- Recognize that, although I've been off my antidepressants and mood stabilizers for almost a year now, I might eventually have to go back on them. This is OKAY. They were created for a reason, and I am not a weaker person for needing the assistance of chemicals to keep myself from harming myself. It's okay to have mental illness. I have a huge, loving, supportive network of people who wish only the best for me, and who are keeping an eye out on me in case I do relapse. This is a very good thing. My brain chemistry is not what defines me as a person.
- Dad wants me to see a therapist regularly. While it's tempting to do it just to appease him, I really don't think I need it at this point in my life. I'm willing to see one if I ever develop the need to, however. I think just being more open and communicative about my emotions with the people who care about me will help mitigate the need to see a professional.
Career (there are two levels for these resolutions...current career goals (meaning ones related to the job I currently have) and future career goals (meaning ones related to whatever job I have next):
- I've been with BB&T for almost a year now. Which means I'm due for a performance review pretty soon. BEFORE my performance review, however, I need to meet with my boss and talk to her about my concerns and get some feedback. I don't want to post too much here in case someone from work is reading this blog. But I do have a sort of game plan in place.
- I like working at BB&T, I really do. I just desperately need more hours and more money. Things are tight for me, financially speaking. It's uncomfortable, and I need to figure out how to fix it. Hopefully, talking with my boss will help things. There are a few options available to me. I can get more hours at my home branch, or I can get supervisor approval to transfer to another position within the bank. Either one would be great. I just plain old need more income.
- I need to figure out where I want to be 5 years from now, career wise... Do I see myself still working in banking? Do I see myself in law school, do I see myself as someone's administrative assistant, do I see myself working for some government agency? WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?!?! I have no clue, and that's scary as hell. I don't know what the answer IS to the question: "what do you want to do?" I really don't know. Maybe I'll be a successful erotic fiction writer. (Hey, it worked for the lady who wrote 50 Shades...)
In other news, I have retained a lawyer who has drafted a Property Settlement Agreement. Keith just has to sign it and return it to my lawyer, then I'll sign it, and then she can get started on filing the divorce stuff. Gah, it's so FREAKING EXPENSIVE!!!!!!! Rar.
In other, OTHER news: I've got a new man in my life. He's ridiculously amazing. And our chemistry together is all the more fascinating when you consider the fact that when he asked me out, we knew practically nothing except each other's names, and he knew that I worked at the bank. Turns out we have a lot in common and get along very, very well. I'm rather stupidly happy with him and how we fit together. His name's Matt, and I've got some pretty strong feelings for him, considering we've been together less than a month. But hey, sometimes things just work out stupidly well in a short amount of time. My parents are an excellent example of this. They got married 6 weeks after they met, and have been together for over 31 years. I'm just going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts... Which I hope is for a very, VERY long time.
I think I've written enough here for now. I shall update again soon, hopefully letting you know that I've been sticking to my birthday resolutions!!! Thank you again for the time you take to read all this, and thanks for any comments you leave either here or on my Facebook page. My readers are AWESOME!!!
I decided back in June that I wanted to make some Resolutions. Birthday Resolutions, if you will. Folks like to make New Year's Resolutions, and I sort of did, but I thankfully have a birthday that's about halfway through the year, so if I want to make new resolutions during the course of the year, it's not like I'm doing it right after I make my NYRs, or right before I make them... It's nicely spaced out, and some of my BRs will be sort of additions/improvements to my NYRs. That being said, they fall under three basic categories: Physical, Emotional, and Career. There is some overlap between the three categories, but those seem to be the major groupings under which I've chosen to group my Birthday Resolutions.
Physical:
- I've been sort of lax about going to the gym lately, and have been very lax about eating better... I wouldn't be surprised if I'm back over 250 again. I've sort of avoided the scale since I know I've been doing so poorly... So, a few of my BRs are about my weight loss issues:
- If I'm in Warrenton for work, I am going to go to the gym. I've been a float teller in a few different places lately, trying to pick up more hours, so I'm not always in Warrenton. And I've been VISITING Warrenton a lot lately (I will explain why later in the post), but I've decided that a new resolution is that if I am WORKING in Warrenton, I am either going to go to the WARF (my gym) either before and/or after work. After all, the WARF is less than 10 minutes from where I work. No excuse to not work out, really. JUST DO IT!
- Start counting calories again, and STICK to what I should be consuming. I need to figure out my Basal Metabolic Rate, so I know just how much my body burns sheerly through being alive every day. And I need to consume that amount or less. Simple math. 1908.75 apparently, according to http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/. So let's say I need to stick to 1900 calories a day. Sounds good to me.
- Eat more fruits and veggies! I have a limited number of fruit and veg that I refuse to eat, but I do enjoy eating some things, so I should be stocking up on those, dammit! Again, JUST DO IT!!!
-EAT OUT WAY LESS. It'll help both my pocketbook and also my caloric intake.
Emotional:
- Embrace the fact that I am an emotional woman. I FEEL things. Quite frequently, and quite strongly. I shouldn't be afraid of that fact, and I shouldn't get mad at myself for getting emotional about things. I need to get better about accepting emotions that I used to sort of stigmatize as "bad" emotions. It's okay to be angry, for example. I used to try to avoid getting angry, and I think that was a major contributing factor in my depression. Now, if I get angry, I will let it out! Shannon ANGRY, SHANNON SMASH!!! :-)
- Recognize that, although I've been off my antidepressants and mood stabilizers for almost a year now, I might eventually have to go back on them. This is OKAY. They were created for a reason, and I am not a weaker person for needing the assistance of chemicals to keep myself from harming myself. It's okay to have mental illness. I have a huge, loving, supportive network of people who wish only the best for me, and who are keeping an eye out on me in case I do relapse. This is a very good thing. My brain chemistry is not what defines me as a person.
- Dad wants me to see a therapist regularly. While it's tempting to do it just to appease him, I really don't think I need it at this point in my life. I'm willing to see one if I ever develop the need to, however. I think just being more open and communicative about my emotions with the people who care about me will help mitigate the need to see a professional.
Career (there are two levels for these resolutions...current career goals (meaning ones related to the job I currently have) and future career goals (meaning ones related to whatever job I have next):
- I've been with BB&T for almost a year now. Which means I'm due for a performance review pretty soon. BEFORE my performance review, however, I need to meet with my boss and talk to her about my concerns and get some feedback. I don't want to post too much here in case someone from work is reading this blog. But I do have a sort of game plan in place.
- I like working at BB&T, I really do. I just desperately need more hours and more money. Things are tight for me, financially speaking. It's uncomfortable, and I need to figure out how to fix it. Hopefully, talking with my boss will help things. There are a few options available to me. I can get more hours at my home branch, or I can get supervisor approval to transfer to another position within the bank. Either one would be great. I just plain old need more income.
- I need to figure out where I want to be 5 years from now, career wise... Do I see myself still working in banking? Do I see myself in law school, do I see myself as someone's administrative assistant, do I see myself working for some government agency? WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?!?! I have no clue, and that's scary as hell. I don't know what the answer IS to the question: "what do you want to do?" I really don't know. Maybe I'll be a successful erotic fiction writer. (Hey, it worked for the lady who wrote 50 Shades...)
In other news, I have retained a lawyer who has drafted a Property Settlement Agreement. Keith just has to sign it and return it to my lawyer, then I'll sign it, and then she can get started on filing the divorce stuff. Gah, it's so FREAKING EXPENSIVE!!!!!!! Rar.
In other, OTHER news: I've got a new man in my life. He's ridiculously amazing. And our chemistry together is all the more fascinating when you consider the fact that when he asked me out, we knew practically nothing except each other's names, and he knew that I worked at the bank. Turns out we have a lot in common and get along very, very well. I'm rather stupidly happy with him and how we fit together. His name's Matt, and I've got some pretty strong feelings for him, considering we've been together less than a month. But hey, sometimes things just work out stupidly well in a short amount of time. My parents are an excellent example of this. They got married 6 weeks after they met, and have been together for over 31 years. I'm just going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts... Which I hope is for a very, VERY long time.
I think I've written enough here for now. I shall update again soon, hopefully letting you know that I've been sticking to my birthday resolutions!!! Thank you again for the time you take to read all this, and thanks for any comments you leave either here or on my Facebook page. My readers are AWESOME!!!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Scale's broken...
No really, it is. The battery in the scale in my parents' bathroom is old and is causing the scale to read at least 5 lbs heavy. Dad will corroborate this. So yeah, haven't weighed myself in a while, because I would like an ACCURATE number... Just need to get a new battery. It's on the to-do list.
In the interest of protecting the privacy of both the innocent and the guilty, I won't post everything I WANT to post about what's been going on with me personally for the last few months. Let's just say I was seeing someone, and he decided to be an ass and cheat on me. So I decided to be strong and break up with him. One of the best decisions I've ever made.
I've been going to the gym regularly this past week. Even went twice on Thursday. Swam in the morning and went to a Zumba class in the evening. Zumba is energizing and addictive, but DAMN, my calves are killing me!!! I'm looking forward to doing it again. I've also started a Couch to 5k program. While walking and talking with someone today, I had to keep fighting the urge to break into a jog. SAY WHA?!?! Shannon actually WANTED to jog?!?! GET OUTTA TOWN!!!
I don't know why this is so surprising to me, but it's a bit bittersweet: I'm almost to the point where I need to buy a ton of new clothes. One day at work, I was wearing a dress and kept almost losing my underwear. That was an awkward day. Most of my dress pants are loose enough that I could pull them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them. Interesting concept, but yeah, I need work clothes that fit! Even more sad... I'm pretty sure my chest is shrinking. That's almost bad enough news to make me cry. :-( But dammit, I'm feeling better, and looking better, too! Folks who haven't seen me in a year have said I'm looking GREAT. I'm inclined to agree with them.
And although my self-esteem was pretty much shattered by being cheated on... Something's been happening the past few days that's sent it straight through the roof again.
*happy dances*
Don't want to jinx it, so I'm going to shut up now. But yeah... YAY!!! *happy dances some more*
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I will try to post more often!!! I love my readers! Don't throw me into the Pit of Despair for not updating frequently enough!!
In the interest of protecting the privacy of both the innocent and the guilty, I won't post everything I WANT to post about what's been going on with me personally for the last few months. Let's just say I was seeing someone, and he decided to be an ass and cheat on me. So I decided to be strong and break up with him. One of the best decisions I've ever made.
I've been going to the gym regularly this past week. Even went twice on Thursday. Swam in the morning and went to a Zumba class in the evening. Zumba is energizing and addictive, but DAMN, my calves are killing me!!! I'm looking forward to doing it again. I've also started a Couch to 5k program. While walking and talking with someone today, I had to keep fighting the urge to break into a jog. SAY WHA?!?! Shannon actually WANTED to jog?!?! GET OUTTA TOWN!!!
I don't know why this is so surprising to me, but it's a bit bittersweet: I'm almost to the point where I need to buy a ton of new clothes. One day at work, I was wearing a dress and kept almost losing my underwear. That was an awkward day. Most of my dress pants are loose enough that I could pull them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them. Interesting concept, but yeah, I need work clothes that fit! Even more sad... I'm pretty sure my chest is shrinking. That's almost bad enough news to make me cry. :-( But dammit, I'm feeling better, and looking better, too! Folks who haven't seen me in a year have said I'm looking GREAT. I'm inclined to agree with them.
And although my self-esteem was pretty much shattered by being cheated on... Something's been happening the past few days that's sent it straight through the roof again.
*happy dances*
Don't want to jinx it, so I'm going to shut up now. But yeah... YAY!!! *happy dances some more*
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I will try to post more often!!! I love my readers! Don't throw me into the Pit of Despair for not updating frequently enough!!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
246. And a TON of life changes.
I actually cried when I stepped on the scale today. I haven't weighed less than 250 in over 4 years. The nurse with me was very kind and gave me both a hug and a high five. BB&T has a health insurance premium reduction program called Life-Force. Since I made (and exceeded!) my goals that were set back in January, I've been moved to Phase 2, which means instead of paying $40 a month for my health insurance, I'll now be paying $11. And if I keep making progress, in Phase 3, they're going to actually pay ME!!!
Life changes. Heh. (That was a nervous laugh, by the way...) Some of my readers know what's been going on in my life since early January that's kept me from posting on here.
In January, I decided that I was unhappy in my marriage and had been for quite some time. The more time I've had to think about it, the more I recognize that I covered up my own unhappiness in order to make others happy. There were a lot of red flags and things that I just let slide because neither myself or my husband wanted to experience any confrontation. There were a lot of things that were wrong, most of which are too private to write about here. I'm terribly sorry that I hurt Keith, but I was hurting myself by staying with him.
Due to Virginia's laws, in order to obtain a no-fault divorce, you have to be separated for 6 months before you can even FILE for divorce. So, I'm waiting until July 5th, and then I'm going to the courthouse in Manassas and getting the ball rolling. I'm learning what it takes that makes ME happy, and I'm working on being around people who make me feel that way, and doing things that benefit ME more than benefitting others.
I've floundered a WHOLE lot. Done things I'm not proud of. Fallen away from my faith. Almost completely stopped going to the gym. Things are finally stabilizing, thanks to the support of some special people, both new to my life and my lifelong champions like my parents and Grammy.
This has been quite the journey of self-discovery. I know I've got a ways to go, but I've got a much clearer idea of what I NEED in a relationship and in my life in general. Not necessarily what I want... But certainly what I NEED.
And one of the things I NEED is to post in here again. Much more frequently. No more falling off the face of the earth for this girl! Forgive me for taking the time off to get my crap figured out. Please follow me again, and leave comments! As I said in an earlier post, I am an attention-whore. :-)
Life changes. Heh. (That was a nervous laugh, by the way...) Some of my readers know what's been going on in my life since early January that's kept me from posting on here.
In January, I decided that I was unhappy in my marriage and had been for quite some time. The more time I've had to think about it, the more I recognize that I covered up my own unhappiness in order to make others happy. There were a lot of red flags and things that I just let slide because neither myself or my husband wanted to experience any confrontation. There were a lot of things that were wrong, most of which are too private to write about here. I'm terribly sorry that I hurt Keith, but I was hurting myself by staying with him.
Due to Virginia's laws, in order to obtain a no-fault divorce, you have to be separated for 6 months before you can even FILE for divorce. So, I'm waiting until July 5th, and then I'm going to the courthouse in Manassas and getting the ball rolling. I'm learning what it takes that makes ME happy, and I'm working on being around people who make me feel that way, and doing things that benefit ME more than benefitting others.
I've floundered a WHOLE lot. Done things I'm not proud of. Fallen away from my faith. Almost completely stopped going to the gym. Things are finally stabilizing, thanks to the support of some special people, both new to my life and my lifelong champions like my parents and Grammy.
This has been quite the journey of self-discovery. I know I've got a ways to go, but I've got a much clearer idea of what I NEED in a relationship and in my life in general. Not necessarily what I want... But certainly what I NEED.
And one of the things I NEED is to post in here again. Much more frequently. No more falling off the face of the earth for this girl! Forgive me for taking the time off to get my crap figured out. Please follow me again, and leave comments! As I said in an earlier post, I am an attention-whore. :-)
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