New Years

I can hardly believe that an entire year has come and gone.  Sooooo much has happened this year, it seems to have passed by in the blink of an eye.  I've got some goals for the new year, which mostly involve keeping up the good work I've been doing so far.
Goal #1 - KEEP LOSING WEIGHT!  By: continuing to eat less, and eat more healthy food when I do eat, and by working out regularly.  I am so thankful for my trainer, Kristin, she's given me such good ideas and has given me a workout regimen that I can stick with!
Goal #2 - Keep working on my marriage.  Relationships are always a work in progress, and you go through some rough times with one another, but vows are spoken for a reason, and you've got to work things through.
Goal #3 - Keep fighting the good fight with my mental illness.  I'm no longer on antidepressants, and I'd like it to stay that way!!
Goal #4 - Stay in better touch with friends and loved ones.  I miss folks so much, but I can fix that by reaching out to the them and talking!
and last, but not least,
Goal #5 - Post in here at least once a week, if not more frequently!!!  Thank you to everyone who reads/follows/comments/creeps/etc.  I love you all!!

Happy New Year to everybody, and STAY SAFE out there!

265!

I decided to step on the scale today, Friday, because I hadn't done it yet this week.  I've been weighing myself on either Sunday evenings or Monday mornings, but I didn't want to face disappointment again, so I didn't weigh myself.  But after working out pretty hard with my trainer two days in a row this week, I decided to weigh myself first thing Friday.  265.2 lbs flashed back at me, and that was with light pjs on!!!!  I've also noticed that I eat smaller portions of stuff and get more full faster.  Looks like my hard work is starting to pay off!  Now that I'm back on the bandwagon, I just need to STAY on it.

I also need to get better about posting here.  New Years Resolution, anyone?

On the PCOS front:  my bloodwork came back completely normal.  So while I have the symptoms of it, the hormone levels don't corroborate it.  WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?!?!?!  So frustrating to have the symptoms I have and not actually have something wrong with me.  Ugh.  So, I'm going back on the pill and have an appointment to see my doctor in 3 months to see if my period issues improve.  If they haven't gotten much better, he'll refer me to a gynecologist who will likely do an ultrasound of my ovaries to see if there's anything funky going on with them.

Until next time, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a GOOD NIGHT!!!!

*happy dances*

falling off the bandwagon

I totally fell off the bandwagon last week.  The only times I worked out were the times I was with my trainer, and I completely pigged out several times on food that really wasn't any good for me.  The scale completely backed up how STUPID this move was, by blinking 273... 273... 273 at me yesterday morning.

Ugh.

I need to retrain my stomach back into an acceptable size, so I'm not hungry all the time.  I need to find healthy foods to eat that will keep me full for more than 2 hours.  I need to find the gumption to go to the gym even on days when I'm not expected to be there.  I need to stop being so lazy.

It would help if I didn't feel tired so much.  I know that working out will help with my sleep habits, and will lead to me feeling more energized, but I'm feeling terribly sapped here at the beginning of my workout regimen.  I don't want to rely on caffeine to get me through the day, but I might have to for the next few weeks, until I get in a set schedule.

I also fell off the bandwagon when it came to posting here regularly...  My apologies!  I'll do better!

First real training session

Whew.  I don't think I've gotten a workout like that since high school!  My personal trainer, Kristin, is absolutely awesome.  She's super encouraging, and is a natural educator, so she can very easily explain what I need to be doing, but can also pick out any mistakes I'm making and quickly fix them.

Today, I warmed-up with 10 minutes or intervals on the elliptical, and then she had me work my upper body with some free weights.  I'll freely admit that we used the smallest weights the gym has, 4 and 5 lbs. dumbbells!  We also did some more squats and lunges, and did several exercises to work on my core.  I'll be lucky if I can move tomorrow.

Those of you who work out/lift weights on a regular basis, what's your recovery routine, so I can better avoid the lactic acid buildup that's killing my quadriceps right now, and will likely be in my arms tomorrow?

Dr. Appointment

Saw my doctor (Primary Care Physician).  Based on my symptoms, he’s pretty much agreeing with the endocrinologist family friend and saying it’s likely I do have PCOS.  I’m going back to the office tomorrow morning for some fasting blood work.  He said the best treatment for it is to lose weight, which is why I was at his office in the first place, so he was glad I was interested in starting a weight loss program.

He’s referred me to a nutritionist, but insurance usually only covers visits if you’ve got an existing condition like diabetes that requires a nutritionist’s advice.  Since I’m not even near pre-diabetic, looks like I might be paying for this one out of pocket… But that’s what flexible spending accounts are for!!!!

He also said that he likes to have his patients try losing weight on their own for at least 2-3 months before he starts prescribing medication, so if I’m not losing weight after that much time, there’s the possibility that he’ll prescribe me something that both impedes appetite and boosts metabolism.  Let’s all hope that it doesn’t come to that, mmkay?

I go back in a month to see how much progress I’ve made.  Let’s hope that I just keep progressing!  Tonight, I’ll write a post about how my session with Kristin, my personal trainer goes.  Considering my legs are still pretty much killing me, it ought to be an interesting trip to the gym!  I might even have to suck it up and take the elevator to get back and forth from the locker room.  L

268!!

I'm already losing weight!  YAY!!!!  I've been working out at least every other day, and trying very hard to both cut back on my portion sizes, and to eat healthier foods.  I had my fitness assessment with a personal trainer on Monday, and pretty much the only thing I excelled at were the v-sit and reach, which measures flexibility, and squats, which measure lower body strength.  I did 20.  And boy do my legs hurt now!  I'm actually almost falling over at some points in time.

Considering I've got a meeting with my trainer again this afternoon, my leg pain ought to make for an interesting session!!!

I'm getting ready to go see my primary care physician.  I'm going to talk to him about my weight loss goals, and the possibility of PCOS (see TMI entry for more on that).  I'll let you guys know what he said when I get back this afternoon!

What is this, day four?

Time flies when you're having fun!  And I'm being only slightly sarcastic there.  A short entry, since I had the longer one just previously.

I've been eating better (eating less of everything, but also added more veggies into my diet).  I'd say I've stayed under 1600 calories each day this week.  I've also gone to the gym three out of four days so far.  The one day I didn't go, I was working up a sweat being little miss domestic housewife.

Next week, I've got my first meeting with a personal trainer at the gym, an appointment with my psychiatrist, and an appointment with my Primary Care Physician.  He and I are going to talk about my weight loss goals, his suggestions for me, and the possibility of my having PCOS (which I wrote about in GREAT detail in my TMI post).  The gym is closed this weekend for a swim meet, but I'll be checking out the little fitness center here at our apartment complex, and I've also got the makings of my own stationary bike, so I've got my bases covered.

I hope everyone's had a great week!  I'm off to bed, because I'm tired.  :-)

Meds Explanation, as promised

In my last entry, I said I'd write an entry to elucidate a bit more on my medications and the reasons behind why I take them.  I could give you the very abbreviated version of this post, but I've found that writing about things is very therapeutic, so I want to take a post and touch on the whole mess.

When I was 12, my brother, Trevor, committed suicide.  When my family thinks back, we realize that he suffered from undiagnosed bipolar disorder.  This threw me into a tailspin, and I spent the next five years or so trying different medications and being hospitalized for suicide attempts of my own.  After 2002, I thought I was over the whole being suicidal thing.  Fast forward to college.  I found a pretty good combination of medication that kept my mood stable and kept me from being depressed.  Fast forward to April 2011.

I was so stressed about my job that the thought of going back to work made me seriously suicidal.  Mind you, this was less than a month after the happiest day of my life, the day I married my husband.  I spent 10 days in the hospital, and when I got out, I quit my job and was taking Zoloft, Abilify, and Lamictal.

I'm now in a much better place, and am only taking the two mood stabilizers, not the antidepressant.  I'm prone to what's called hypo-mania, where I don't go on a complete bender when I'm in a manic state, but I do have racing thoughts and the occasional burst of wanting to stay up for 20 hours out of the day.  I haven't had one of those in a while, though.

I don't mind being very frank about my battles with mental illness.  If you've got questions about it, please feel free to ask!  Nothing is off-limits!

Warning! There be TMI ahead!!!!

Just in case you didn't read the title of this post, there is TMI in this post.  Mostly for those who get grossed out by thinking about menstruation.  I'm writing this post because I know that many women have had the same, or similar issues as mine before, and I'm hoping for feedback.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!  The TMI starts a few paragraphs down.

Okay.  Now that the disclaimer's out of the way, I can get to actually writing in my blog!  I'm not working today, and I don't think I'm going to make the 40 minute drive to Warrenton just to go to the gym.  I'm working up enough of a sweat doing chores around the house.  I might go later to the little fitness center we have here at our apartment complex.  I'm pretty sure they've got an elliptical, a treadmill, and some type of weight machine.

The feedback I've been getting from everyone is great, and SO VERY ENCOURAGING.  Thank you!!  Recommend my blog to others!  I'm an attention-whore.  :-)  No, it's more like my weight-loss odyssey is like "It Takes a Village To Raise A Child".  The more people I know who are out there to hold me accountable for my actions (or inaction, as the case might be sometimes), the more likely I am to stick with this!  A few people have made suggestions/asked questions.  Here's the responses to said comments:

I am using WebMD.com's food and fitness tracker.  I've been using it for a while now, and I like the way it's set up.  That isn't to say that I won't take the time to check out the other sites people have suggested!  I just wanted to let you guys know that I am in fact keeping track of stuff elsewhere besides here.

I am seeing my primary care physician next week to discuss my weight loss goals and any precautions I should take.  I had to get blood work done recently to get medical benefits with BB&T, so I will be taking the results to the appointment.  I'm not pre-diabetic, my overall cholesterol's pretty darn good, and the only thing that could be better is lower triglycerides and higher Good cholesterol.  Oh, and that whole losing weight thing....

Along those lines, here comes the TMI part of this post.  WARNING!

I have always had moderate to heavy periods.  They rarely last more than 6 days, however.  I have been on and off the birth control pill over the years.  Most recently, I have been off of it, because I had a pregnancy scare back in August and went off of EVERYTHING I was taking, including my antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and the Pill.  I'll address the meds in my next entry, promise.  So, for the past few months, my period has been rather regular.  Happens around the same time each month, for about 5-6 days.   Not too heavy, either.

Then, around November 4th, I started having what looked like old blood start spotting.  I thought it was weird, but I've had it happen before, followed by a heavier-than-usual period.  So, I braced myself for that.

I'M STILL GETTING MY PERIOD, AND IT'S THE 29th OF NOVEMBER.  Oh, and I had to go out and actually buy MORE SuperPlus tampons.  It's that heavy.  The last time this happened, I was 14, thought I was going to bleed to death, and went on the Pill to regulate my hormones.

Here comes the medical jargon.  I've got a family friend who's a very good endocrinologist.  He went to college with my dad, and has known me since I was in diapers, basically.  He and my mom struck up a conversation about my health history (odd, but that's my mom for you, gotta love her).  His professional opinion, just by knowing me and not having ever closely physically examining me, is that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS.

PCOS causes anovulation (not releasing an egg each month), leads to fluid-filled cysts in the ovaries, and basically wreaks havoc on your hormones.  Some symptoms of PCOS are obesity, weight gain around the waist, male-pattern hair growth, and irregular periods.  I listed those symptoms because those are some of the symptoms I have.  Needless to say, I'm getting kinda concerned about my period lasting FOR FOREVER, and am trying to get an appointment to see the female doctor at my PCP's practice for sometime this week.  Looks like Thursday afternoon will be my best bet.  I'll keep you guys posted!

Day 1

I slept like absolute crap last night.  I was so excited about this life-changing I'm starting, I think my body just couldn't calm down enough to get a good night's sleep.  Finally tried falling asleep around 1 am, and I woke up for good at 5 am, after tossing and turning like nobody's business.  What did I do with my free time this morning, you ask?

I joined a gym!  I joined the Warrenton Aquatic and Recreation Facility.  It's literally 5 minutes from where I work.  Very convenient for pre- and post- work workouts!

I was kinda disappointed in how little I was able to actually exercise, when it came down to brass tacks, however.  I lasted about 20 minutes on the elliptical machine, and then swam for 7 laps before getting shaky and realizing that I have to take some teeny tiny baby steps so I don't burn myself out.  I did a pretty good job with food today.  I'm currently cooking dinner for myself and my husband, who's being super supportive of my desire to eat better and take better care of myself.  Here's what I had today:

Around 5:15 this morning, I needed some sustenance to get my metabolism jumpstarted.  I had a Slimfast Shake. 170 calories.

After I worked out, I needed some more sustenance.  I had half of a Clif bar.  I ate the second half after I got off of work at 2 this afternoon.  236 calories.   Yikes!

I had time to kill before work, and by 10 am, I was hungry.  I went to Panera and chose some of the healthiest breakfast stuff they had, and tried to keep it balanced by also getting something with a little bit of fruit: A Power Breakfast Sandwich and a Strawberry Granola Parfait: total 650 calories.

And now, after going on a major produce shopping trip, I'm cooking pork chops with cream of mushroom soup (I should have gotten the low-fat kind, but I wasn't thinking when I saw the cans on sale for some ridiculous post-Thanksgiving price).  Our side dishes are long grain wild rice and roasted yellow squash and zucchini.  Total 503 calories.

Barring any late night snackage, that brings me to around 1559 calories.  I have no idea how many I burned today, but I think if I stick on this path, I should be doing well.

A warning for the squeamish... and any males reading my blog:  My next entry will be of the TMI variety.  I'll be sure to put a warning at the top of it, but I wanted to give you a heads up!

Starting Fresh

It took very little time for me to think of what to name this blog.  It will be my record of my weight loss.  I've experienced loss of many types in my life, and I've had to grieve for all of them.  However, I will never grieve for the loss of some pounds.  Hence: "A Loss For Which I'll Never Grieve".

I'm 26 years old, stand about 5'7" tall, and, last time I checked (which was about 2 minutes ago), I weigh 275 pounds.

Holy shit.

I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember, which stretches back to being in grade school and being teased for being fat.  2nd graders can be so cruel.  It only got worse as I got older.  I don't remember when I hit 200 lbs.  It was probably sometime Senior year of high school.  I DO remember when I hit 250 for the first time.  That was Senior year of college.  My cousin, Brandon, had died in an accident, and I turned to food for some good TLC.  TLC being Tons of Lingering Calories.

I used to teach Latin to middle schoolers at a private school.  That job and the stress that I put on myself because of it landed me in the hospital for suicidal ideations.  I quit the day after I got out of the hospital.  Combine clinically diagnosed Major Depression with being unemployed for a few months, and TLC made a reappearance, and I grew to the weight I am now.

I eat too much, exercise hardly ever, and hate the way my body looks.  Those three things need to change.  This blog is where I'll document both my caloric intake and output, and my emotions during what is sure to be a rough, but rewarding journey.  There might be posts with a little TMI, but I'll be sure to put major warnings at the beginning of any posts that might gross people out.  But hey, this is my blog, and I get to write what I want, write?  Haha.  Right.

Tomorrow, I'm starting a diet, and joining the gym near where I work.  Wish me persistence and patience!!!!